The Incredible Story Of History’s Most Influential Penis









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Around this time, Rasputin became infamous, not only because of the gargantuan gland he was carrying around in those loose Russian pirate pants of his, but also for the prolificacy of his escapades. He became such a notorious horndog that his rumored (unsubstantiated) affair with the tsar’s wife reached the front lines of World War I, where soldiers openly talked about it as though it were fact. Rasputin was known for getting laid and causin‘ trouble, and both of these things may have lead to the horror that was to come.

Related: 21 Important Moments In History (That Were Sex-Fests)





How Rasputin Got Dead

Felix Yussupov was, by all accounts, a total clown: hyper-privileged, married to the tsar’s niece, and the richest dude in Russia at the time. And this was back in the days when the „richest person“ in any country was doing shit like having their best horses outfitted with rudimentary 3,000-pound engines that added a half mile per hour to its gallop but also incinerated the animal upon activation. Then the rich dudes would wonder why the fuck someone killed their horse, and kill the guy who invented the contraption on the spot. He lived THAT kind of life.

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So our horse-torcher Felix was on the periphery of the royal family, and he was decidedly not a Rasputin guy. And Felix believed that murdering Rasputin would make him something of a national hero, resulting in his unanimous celebration and praise. And the best account of Rasputin’s murder comes from Felix’s own memoirs. So let’s take this early Russian version of If I Did It with a pinch of salt. This is a good time to remind you yet again to take everything in this story with a side of salt.





According to Felix’s account, he invited Rasputin over to his palace in order to meet with his royal wife, Irina. For Rasputin, this should have set off alarm bells immediately. In the history of history, not once has someone been invited to a palace and not been killed. Even today, if you were to get a text from a buddy that read „Hey bro, havin‘ the boys over to my palace tonight,“ prepare to be murdered, bro. But Ras fell for it, probably because he was told there were going to be chicks.

When Rasputin arrived, there were, like, no babes. But Felix did have a shitload of cakes and wine, which Rasputin shoved into his gullet. And as you probably guessed, the main ingredients in those cakes were flour, sugar, and cyanide, and the wine was a nice cocktail of alcohol and cyanide as well. But Felix was about to find out that he wasn’t poisoning some regular dude. Felix was attempting to poison the hairy Russian sex machine. Not so easy.

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According to him, Rasputin took down all of the poison he had to offer and then just stood there waiting for the next course. Baffled and frustrated that he had spent all day baking death treats and seeing that his potions tactics were doing very poorly in this particular boss fight, he ended up just shooting Rasputin. And while many historians over the years have questioned Felix’s claims that he was the man to take down this horse-dicked Michael Myers, what remains undeniable is that Rasputin was eventually successfully murdered.

Related: 6 People So Good At Sex They’re Basically Magic

The Case Of The Stolen Penis

Here’s where the line between truth and myth gets entirely erased and all we can do is go with it. In the time between Felix giving Rasputin Little Debbie’s Cyanide Rollups and shooting him a bunch of times in the face to get him dead, Rasputin may have been mutilated as well. One of the biggest rumors is that a maid stumbled upon that particular dick in the house and took it with her. So they next time you complain about your hotel service not giving you the number of towels you asked for, remember that they could be stealing your severed penis.